By Clint Younts
I hope all y’all had a fun and sweet Halloween. It was great seeing all the spooky decorations in neighborhoods ‘round here, and folks were real generous handing out candy. I wish my grandchildren were that generous. All I got from them was the candy they don’t like such as Almond Joy, and a toothbrush that must’ve come from a local dentist. I wonder what a proctologist hands out to trick-or-treaters at his doorstep.
I always decorate the yard with some of the spookiest decorations you can buy on Amazon for under $25. Many were created in my laboratory, which doubles as my tractor shed. Although I have been told for years that I have enough Halloween decorations, there’s always room for more. So, usually on November 1, I head to local retail stores to snatch up decorations on sale, and sometimes a bag of candy other than Almond Joy.
I was well aware of the Christmas decorations for sale in all the stores. They’ve been in the aisles since Labor Day, but where was the Halloween stuff? Was it all sold or was it tossed to the curb like Herschel Walker’s girlfriends? The entire store was filled with Christmas trees and holiday décor, but not a single skeleton or goblin. If you looked long enough, you might find some Thanksgiving decorations, but in the retail business, that holiday is the red-headed stepchild.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day where someone was asking if it’s too early to start decorating for Christmas. I couldn’t tell you how many people replied that they put their tree up on the first of November. Don’t they know there are several holidays between Halloween and Christmas? Decorating for Christmas in early November is like hiding Easter eggs on Valentine’s Day. Let’s celebrate holidays one at a time.
Veteran’s Day is November 11, but just try to find an American flag for sale in Target. I’ll have Old Glory flapping in the cool breeze on Friday. How about y’all? And let’s not forget about Election Day, or as it’s called in some states, November Fool’s Day. I get tired of seeing political signs clustered on street corners like ticks on a hound’s belly, but I will always go vote. That’s what Americans should do on this special day, not set up an inflatable snowman in your yard.
In case you’re wondering, November 23 is Fibonacci Day. I don’t recall who Fibonacci was. I think he was the middle linebacker for the 49ers back in the ‘70s, but I could be wrong. Whoever he was, don’t you think we should not dishonor him by ignoring his special day? Wait another week to pull out the garland.
I never decorate the exterior of our house for Christmas until December. I used to install my exterior illumination, or as you amateurs refer to as hanging Christmas lights, on the day after Thanksgiving, but not anymore. The rooftop is no place to be when those sweet taters you ate on Thanksgiving decide it’s time for a swift exit.
Now, some of y’all might be wondering why in tarnation a fella my age is climbing up on a roof to hang Christmas lights. Well, it’s nice and peaceful up there and a whole lot safer than battling the horde of shoppers on Black Friday. As long as my vertigo isn’t acting up and it’s not raining, it’s not as dangerous as the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart.
Well, I’ve got to leave y’all now. I need to go to my laboratory and transform my home-made zombie into Santa Claus. I’ve gotta put more glue on his beard this year. Last Christmas, a norther blew in and his beard ended up somewhere between here and South Padre. You should’ve seen the scared faces on those carolers, though. Hilarious!